Hello Again!

Thursday morning was not one of my better moments! My FIL (moved in with us when my MIL had a stroke in 06) made scrambled eggs and sausage for the kids. This was a nice gesture, don't get me wrong, but it would have been a really nice gesture if he would have asked them what they wanted to eat first. Having a 3 yr old and 5 yr old makes it hard to anticipate what foods they like week to week, and it has been at least two years since they have eaten eggs of any kind!

I woke up to the huffing and puffing he does when he gets upset with them (strike one) and realized the situation. I thanked him for letting me sleep in, and told him I would handle it. He went to work upstairs to work from home for the day (strike two). I made the kids what they wanted to eat, and sat down to eat their eggs.

I normally don't eat solid food for breakfast. I am never hungry in the morning, and my band is tighter in the am, too. I tend to just sick with coffee and fruit, but the guilt of throwing away food that he had made was getting the best of me. I started with a few bites of egg. They were a little dry, actually they were a lot dry, but they seemed to go down ok. I took two bites of sausage, and stopped. Uhhhh, very slow to go down. I waited for a minute, and had one more bite of eggs--wrong thing to do!

I immediately got up and started pacing. It was stuck, pressure and pain were getting worse, and the anxiety and slime process started! I was short of breath and just kept spitting more saliva. I felt like I wanted to puke, but I was scared. I have never done that with the band, but I had read about others who have (referred to as a PB). I was kept fighting the urge, and then...Hack! HELLO AGAIN! It was the egg and sausage, with a ton of frothy slime! YUCK! OMG!

I immediately felt better. The pain, pressure and anxiety were gone. I was able to go about my day fine. I suck to my coffee and banana for breakfast, and was able to eat normally for lunch and dinner. I guess it was a learning experience. I am going to remember this awful situation, and try to avoid it at all costs!

Where'd it go?

OK, for those that don't know, I am married to a computer guy. He is really great at what he does, and he provides a comfortable lifestyle for our family. That being said...I HATE computers! And from what I have experienced over the years, it is a mutual loathing! The most recent battle is about the disappearing act performed by my last post!

I was a good girl on Monday and typed all about my weekend, and the choices I had made. I thought I had loaded it to my blog successfully, but today it is not there. I guess it is floating out in cyberspace (is that one word?) somewhere.

Anyway, the skinny (pun intended) of it went something like:

-working nights sucks, but I love the people I work with and my job is pretty awesome, too

-people are starting to notice and say things, guess I need to figure out how to take a
compliment

-I tend to eat better while at work, I guess I figure people are watching me there

Hope this post finds you doing well!
n.

Just do it!

I set up this blog months ago, after becoming obsessed with the other lap band blogs I read. I had every intention to update my progress (with pics) a few times a week. I knew how therapeutic it was for me to read about experiences other "banders" have, and knew I would benefit form looking back on my own journey as well.

Why then have I not written a single post?

The only answer that I have came up with that makes any since is I am scared. Scared to fail, scared to dream, scared to open myself up...even scared to be ratted out to the people in my life I have not shared this decision with.

I only really feel guilty about not telling two people that I've been banded. The first is my BFF. We have been friends for 17 years (wow, are we getting old!). I opened up and told her all of the things I had to to be approved for the surgery, and how devastated I was to find out I was denied by my insurance company in Jan of '07. She didn't say much either way about what I had told her, so I left her out of the loop this time around. The other friend is someone battling a weight issue, too. I guess I feel guilty for being able to have this "helper" inside of me, when she is going at it alone. We have started walking together and even joined a Mom's Dance Class, but I feel like a fraud. I think I am going to work on opening up to her in the next week or so. I know she wont judge me, I just feel sad not everyone has the financial means to get banded!

All of my family knows and supports (at least now they do) my decision to have the surgery. They see how it is changing me, and giving me back parts of myself that were buried inside. I am not by any means the same person I was 3 1/2 months ago, before this amazing surgery, and I am not naive to think I will be the same at its conclusion. The 36 pounds I have lost are just the beginning. I am on a mission to find a healthy, more confident woman inside myself!